Everyone experiences relationship challenges, but we all respond differently. So, let’s start with a quiz!
Think about how you tend to respond when challenges come up in romantic relationships. What’s considered a “challenge” is different for everyone—think about what it means to you.
When you’re faced with challenges in your romantic relationship…
1. You think the relationship will get worse.
| 0 (not at all) | 1 (rarely) | 2 (sometimes) | 3 (often) | 4 (constantly) |
2. You keep thinking about how difficult the relationship problem is.
| 0 (not at all) | 1 (rarely) | 2 (sometimes) | 3 (often) | 4 (constantly) |
3. You think the challenges are overwhelming.
| 0 (not at all) | 1 (rarely) | 2 (sometimes) | 3 (often) | 4 (constantly) |
How did you do? The lower your score, the less likely you are to respond to challenges through catastrophizing. The higher your score, the more likely you are to do so.
What does catastrophizing mean? And what does it look like in relationships?
Ups and downs are inevitable in relationships. Sometimes, our minds can amplify the “downs” and make them worse. We call this relationship catastrophizing.
Relationship catastrophizing has three components:
- Magnifying the problem: Sometimes we create stories that distort challenges to make them bigger or worse than they actually are. Your partner hasn’t texted back in a few hours, so they don’t care about you.
- Ruminating on negative thoughts: Some play in our minds repeatedly, like a broken record. Maybe you’re at work and all you can think about is your partner’s silence.
- Feeling helpless: We see some problems as solvable, but others may make us feel helpless or overwhelmed. Your partner isn’t texting back, so of course you’re going to grow apart and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Catastrophizing can make us pay more attention to negative things and ignore positive things. For example, you might forget about all the times your partner has texted back right away. In turn, this can impact how we show up in the relationship. Maybe when they finally respond, you feel so hurt that you don’t text back for several hours, or so anxious that you lash out and start a fight. But these behaviours can create more conflict, more distance, and perpetuate the cycle of catastrophizing.
So I catastrophize… what should I do?
If you recognize some of these patterns in yourself, there are things you can do to respond in a more helpful way instead. When you find yourself caught in a whirlwind of catastrophic thoughts, try to…
Be mindful
Pay attention to feelings or thoughts that arise when you start to have a reaction. Then you can notice what might have led to that reaction and any stories your mind is coming up with to make sense of it.
Sure, it could be that your partner didn’t text back because they’re uninvested in the relationship, but maybe they’re just busy. Maybe their phone died. Try thinking of at least 3 possibilities rather than jumping to conclusions.
It’s hard to solve problems when we’re upset! Managing your emotions can help you feel more equipped to approach the challenge. My last post highlights some strategies that help vs. hurt our relationships.
The one way we can know for sure what our partner is thinking is to simply ask them!
- Initiate a conversation at a good time for both of you: “I’d like to talk about something that came up for me today. Is now a good time?”
- Calmly share your thoughts and feelings: “When you didn’t text me back, I noticed I started to feel anxious, so I wanted to check in about whether there was any reason I should be feeling that way.”
- Give your partner space to share their thoughts and feelings: “I also want to hear your perspective of the situation. Is there anything else you want me to know?”
Taking these steps will help you notice, regulate, and communicate your emotions to your partner, and ultimately, respond to the problem in a more helpful way. Doing so can benefit your emotional well-being, deepen your connection with your partner, and gives you a better chance at solving the problem.
Image via Pixabay
