It’s Friday evening and Avery is busy cooking a romantic dinner for his partner, Sam. He texts Sam again asking when she’ll be home—he’s excited to see her and doesn’t want dinner to get cold.
Meanwhile, Sam is stuck in traffic after a long day at work. Her boss yelled at her, getting home is taking forever, and now Avery is being impatient. She can’t help but feel annoyed. What does he expect her to do, control traffic?
As you might have guessed, the surprise doesn’t go as planned. When Sam gets home, she’s too exhausted to notice dinner ready on the table. Instead, she complains about how bad traffic in the city is and tells Avery that his texting only slowed her down. Feeling rejected, Avery lashes out, accusing Sam of being ungrateful and self-centered. He storms off to the bedroom and slams the door.
If you can relate to this situation, you’re not alone. While our relationships are one of the most important parts of our lives, they’re vulnerable to the highs and lows of day-to-day life. This romantic-dinner-turned-argument is one example of how our emotions shape how we show up in our relationships. This makes sense: when we’re tired and frustrated, we think and act differently from when we’re in a good mood. Imagine how the surprise dinner could’ve played out if Sam hadn’t had such a stressful day.
The problem is that we usually don’t have much control over what happens to us in our lives. Sam’s right—we can’t control traffic. We also can’t control our bosses being rude, technology not working like we want it to, or the feelings of those around us. Most of the time, we can’t even control our own emotions, no matter how hard we try. For example, think of the last time you were upset and someone told you to calm down. (If only it were that easy!)
But what we can control is how we respond to emotions. Research has started to uncover emotion regulation strategies that we can use to manage intense feelings when they inevitably come up. For example, Sam could have practiced mindfulness to notice her partner’s kind gesture or used reappraisal to reframe the stressful workday. Avery could have used acceptance to fully accept that he can’t change Sam’s state, self-awareness to notice his hurt feelings that arose from Sam’s bad mood, and self-soothing to reassure himself that her mood doesn’t mean she doesn’t love and appreciate him. Using these strategies could have increased the chances of:
1. More effective communication
2. More understanding and closeness
3. The evening progressing as Avery had originally planned
Bottom line: our emotions don’t have to control us or our relationships. Yet managing our emotions in helpful ways can be as challenging as it is important.
Think of emotion regulation strategies as a box of tools—some are more powerful, some less so, and some will be more useful than others depending on what you’re trying to do. If you don’t have much experience with these tools, it can be hard to know which combination of tools will work best in different situations. However, just like with tools, the more we use them, the more experience we’ll have, and the easier it’ll get.
Photo by Alex Green via Pexels
