In 2022, Merriam-Webster crowned gaslighting, defined as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone especially for one’s own advantage,” as the Word of the Year. It felt like one day, we were thinking “What’s gaslighting?” and the next, we can’t open social media without reels and posts and media articles warning us of the top ten signs we’re being gaslit.
Uses of the word “gaslighting” has skyrocketed, and it’s certainly grabbed our attention, with the number of Merriam-Webster lookups of the word “gaslighting” increasing by an astonishing 1740%.
But what if we’ve been misunderstanding—and also misusing—the word without even knowing it?
Everyone’s doing it, so what’s the problem?
It’s true that “You’re gaslighting me!” has widely become accepted to mean that someone’s not taking responsibility for their actions, that they’re being insensitive or untruthful, simply that they hold a different perspective, and everything in between.
However, in reality, gaslighting is different, and much more harmful. True gaslighting is to manipulate or deny another person’s experience or reality, often to cause confusion and doubt. True gaslighting can be an attempt to coerce or control that other person, and we see it happen most in relationships that are highly unhealthy or that involve abuse.
For example, say that Sam and Avery, a romantic couple, are having a fight about Sam staying late at work. Avery, with his frustration at level 10, snaps: “This is the fourth night in a row you’ve forgotten about our plans because of work! Don’t you care about me at all?”
Sam, also upset, yells back. “Of course I care, you idiot! You’re here whining about me being late but you don’t understand the first thing about why this job is so important. How do you think I put dinner on the table every night? You just have to make life that much harder for me, don’t you?”
Is Sam gaslighting? She’s being harsh, absolutely, but she’s not gaslighting. There’s nothing in what Sam says that inherently misleads Avery or denies his experience in the situation. Here, Sam is just expressing her own frustration, albeit in a very hurtful way.
So what would gaslighting look like? If she were truly gaslighting, Sam would have said something to sow seeds of doubt in Avery’s experience, like claiming that she never was late this week (even though she was). She might say “What are you even talking about?” or “That never happened!” or “You’ve just been at home all day. Don’t you think that messes with your perception of time?”
Using words correctly is more important than their shock-value
As I head into my fourth year pursuing a PhD in Clinical Psychology, and my eighth year studying psychology overall, the misuse of mental health language is high up on my pet-peeve list. Why? First, I’ve noticed that when this terminology is misused, it’s often with malignant intent: in other words, it’s weaponized. Second, and more importantly, it can lead to outcomes that are anywhere from mildly unhealthy to downright destructive, such as people using these terms to falsely diagnose themselves or others.
To move away from misusing psychology lingo, we have to first determine if the word we’re using means what we think it means. If it doesn’t, then we look for words that accurately fit the situation.
Let’s go back to what Sam said to Avery during their fight. She wasn’t gaslighting, but she was doing other hurtful things that can damage their relationship. Sam was insulting Avery by calling him an idiot, criticizing him by saying he’s whining, being invalidating by claiming he doesn’t understand the importance of her work. She also guilt-tripped Avery with “How do you think I put dinner on the table every night?” and blamed him for making her life harder.
From “She stayed late at work again? She must be a narcissist!” and “Isn’t their relationship so co-dependent?” to “My boss is really traumatizing!” and “Can you take your shoes off? I’m just so OCD,” there’s no question that gaslighting isn’t the only word that we’re seeing more and more often, but perhaps less and less accurately.
Words have power, and to misuse them is to abuse that power. When we accurately label what’s happening in ourselves and around us, we not only avoid mislabelling and misdiagnosing, but also open ourselves to nuanced and important conversations about our emotions and mental health. And to do so is all of our responsibility.
Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
