“Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency.”
One of my university professors included that quote, from Gandhi, in her email signature. Five years ago, it resonated deeply with me. More recently, I started reflecting on why.
The self-sufficiency myth
We live in an independent world. As children, we’re taught that someday we won’t have to rely on our caregivers—and eagerly wait for that day to come. We get older and older, and this picture-perfect ideal gets clearer and clearer: a prestigious job with all the income we need, the ability to care fully for ourselves, a life guided solely by our own desires and interests. We shouldn’t need anyone else. If we do, we should do whatever we can so that we don’t need them. This ideal is reflected everywhere; from the shows we watch to the language we use, explicitly and implicitly, whether we realize it or not.
Independence is a beautiful myth; a fairytale of sorts. Meaning and happiness are within reach as long as there isn’t anyone or anything to threaten it away. It doesn’t depend on whether our partners still want to be with us, or how far away we move from our friends, or whether we feel like we belong in our communities. No matter what happens, we’re still okay.
If something about that feels not quite ideal to you, let us read between the lines. Our unaffectedness probably suggests that we didn’t form a meaningful relationship with that partner, or see those friends as anything special, or cared to get to know many people around us. But to be independent—that’s the goal, isn’t it?
No wonder almost 25% of the world feels lonely. It’s almost like we’re setting ourselves up for failure.
The C-word
Discourse around co-dependence has entered the mainstream. Because our collective agreement seems to be that we should aim for independence and avoid co-dependence, I spend less time here, but it feels pertinent for me to clarify that co-dependence is not the goal. As much as we don’t want to just shrug it off when a partner decides they don’t want to be with us anymore, we don’t want to lose our sense of selves, either.
“The ideal of man”
Interdependence is a balancing act. In romantic relationships, we choose to be with our partners, above all else, simply because we want to be with them. Because they make wonderful teammates, not because we can’t live without them. If they come home in a bad mood, we feel their frustration, but it doesn’t ruin the rest of our evening. When we make decisions, we take their perspective into account, but it isn’t the sole deciding factor.
Perhaps we don’t have to live in an independent world. Maybe the world that most of us thrive in, is interdependent. Still, cultivating an interdependent romantic relationship in a world that values independence takes commitment, effort, and practice. It may not be easy, but it is worthwhile.
Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
