We have long thought about our feelings as personal reactions that ebb and flow with what happens in our lives. Sure enough, emotions not only draw our attention to what is going on around us, but prepare us for action. By telling us that no, that bear in the woods does not look friendly and yes, we do have to get out of there, fear keeps us safe.
Emotions are useful signals, but that’s not all. Emotions are also powerful tools that we use to shape our social world. When we’re sad or stressed, those feelings help us get the support we need. When we feel guilty, we might try to correct our actions. In other words, our feelings communicate our needs to others, give us feedback about how to act in the future, and help us adapt to our ever-changing social environment.
By and large, our emotions are not private and personal, but are embedded in our interactions with other people. As we try to build satisfying relationships and lead meaningful lives, this means at least two things.
We use other people to change the way we feel
Whether intentional or not, people use interactions and relationships with others to change their own emotional state, a process we call intrinsic interpersonal emotion regulation. For example, after a stressful day at work, you might turn to your partner and ask for a comforting hug, or you might decide to go to that party because being around others could alleviate some frustration.
The specific ways we manage our emotions using social relationships depends on several different factors. To name a few, our goals (How do I want to feel?), motives (Why do I want to feel that way?), and expectations (What do I think is going to work?) can shape what we do, and ultimately, the emotional experience we end up having.
We can shape the emotions of other people
As much as other people can affect our internal states, we can have just as much influence on the emotions of those around us. Termed extrinsic interpersonal emotion regulation, we do this nearly every day.
Sometimes this happens unintentionally or even unknowingly, such as when we’re our lingering stress from that day at work dampens the mood of our partners. Other times, we employ certain strategies with the goal of making another person feel a different way. For instance, if a friend has been feeling anxious or overwhelmed, we might pay them a visit to remind them they’re not alone, suggest that they try some relaxation breathing, or reassure them by telling them you know they’ll be able to get through it.
Why does this matter?
Undoubtedly, our emotions impact, and are impacted by, people around us. Knowing this, we can pay more attention to our goals, motives, and expectations, both in regulating the emotions of others and in using our social connections as a source of emotion regulation.
Building awareness of the different interpersonal emotion regulation strategies we use can prepare us for future social interactions and increase the likelihood that we achieve our desired emotional outcomes. As an example, we might recognize that venting to a friend often backfires and actually makes us more upset, and in the future, we might be more likely to turn to others for comfort, humour, or problem-solving.
Knowing that we can influence the feelings of others gives us power and responsibility. We might start to take more notice of how others around us are feeling, check in with loved ones more frequently, or ask more questions about what they need in different situations. In turn, over time, we can influence emotions—our own and others’— in more helpful ways, making us better partners, friends, family members, colleagues, and communicators.
Image by Joseph Mucira from Pixabay
