As with many therapists, I start sessions by asking my clients how they’re doing that day. Sometimes they’re in a great mood and other times things are going so horribly that they debated cancelling last-minute.
Whether they were feeling great or not-so-great, my clients almost always attributed their current mood to external events, like feeling down because their partner is away for the week. Even more interestingly, they often framed these attributions as obvious and definite—”He’s been gone for 5 days and hasn’t even texted. Of course I’m anxious!”
I used to nod, validate, and continue on. Now, I approach these conversations differently.
When we live on autopilot
Viktor Frankl once said “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” This quote captures a simple yet meaningful realization I had: as if on autopilot, my clients were moving from stimulus to response on repeat. There was no space in-between, no power to choose, and limited growth and freedom.
Clients consistently share that one of the most impactful changes they have seen in their lives have emerged from realizing that they have a choice. I’ll share 3 skills that can expand the space between stimulus and response, particularly when everything seems to be going wrong.
1. STOP
STOP stands for Stop, Take a step back, Observe, and Proceed mindfully.
Say you’re at the airport. Minutes before boarding, an attendant tells you that you can’t get on because they overbooked your flight. You’re frustrated, angry, exhausted, and want nothing more than to give the attendant a piece of your mind.
Instead, you Stop. You don’t move a muscle; don’t react. When you regain control, you Take a step back (literally, metaphorically, or both). You calm down by taking deep breaths and walking around the terminal.
Next, you Observe what is happening within you and around you, focusing on facts rather than assumptions. You gather relevant information, such as other outgoing flights that are available. Lastly, you Proceed mindfully, asking yourself “What is a realistic goal in this situation?” and “What do I need to do to get there?”
Most of the time, we need to gather information to respond effectively, but we rarely give ourselves the time to do so. Using STOP can prevent reactive decisions that we later regret.
2. Turning the Mind (Towards Acceptance)
There are always things we can control and things we can’t. Rejecting the current reality, or getting stuck on things we can’t control, almost always results in more suffering. “If only this hadn’t happened, I could…” isn’t helpful when in reality, it did happen.
To move forward, we need to commit to accepting reality as it is and continue to turn ourselves back when we find ourselves drifting from acceptance. When we are fighting against reality, we can remind ourselves that we can’t change what happened. We might also picture what our behaviour would look like if we did accept the facts, and act accordingly.
3. The Noticing Self
This is one of my favourite tools of all time. There is a part of each of us that does not experience—it simply notices. It knows that every thought, emotion, and experience is temporary. We call this the Noticing Self.
We might picture our Noticing Selves as a clear sky, and our emotions or experiences as the weather. Even the most severe storms cannot last forever, and above the dark clouds and thunder, there is a clear sky. This is our ability to observe. When we experience suffering, accessing the Noticing Self can remind us that our inner feelings change drastically, but our ability to notice them does not.
Giving ourselves the space
These skills help us slow down, see reality as it is, and observe inner and outer experiences. Widening the gap between stimulus and response isn’t easy, especially because many of us are used to navigating life on autopilot. As with most things in life, we need practice.
Sometimes, we’re at a fork in the road. We can choose to see our experiences as temporary and transient instead of catastrophizing. We have the choice between acting out of emotion and giving ourselves time to think and react. And lastly, we can choose whether to accept reality, as painful as it is, instead of rejecting it. Often, it is only after we do so that we allow ourselves the freedom from suffering.
