Reposted from Psychology Today’s 2 ways to exit the happiness hamster wheel for good
Many people come to therapy with a simple concern: “I’m not happy. How can I be happier.” And therapists will tell them, “Well, it’s good that you’re in therapy — that’s a start!”
Of course, it takes time, effort, consistency, and gradual changes in behavior to get from where you are today to where you want to be. But don’t ever think that you’re destined to be unhappy for the rest of your life. That is your mind playing a trick on you. Our minds have a terrible tendency to assume that how we feel at this very moment is how we will continue feeling in the future. But life isn’t like that. There are so many changes happening — both internally (in our body) and externally — that it’s almost never the case that how we feel now is the same as how we will feel in a day, week, month, or year.
With that said, it’s not a good idea to sit around waiting to feel better. It’s also not a good idea to try to ‘think’ our way out of our happiness problem, as it is likely our thinking that has put us in our rut in the first place.
In fact, new research backs this up. A team of psychologists led by Felicia Zerwas of the University of California Berkeley found that people who value happiness to an extreme degree are actually less likely to be happy in the short term and in the long term. The reason for this, they think, is that these people become so preoccupied with their quest for happiness that it leads to disappointment, regret, FOMO, and a host of other negative emotions. According to the researchers, it’s okay to aspire to be happy, but, where people run into trouble, is when they become concerned about happiness.
So, if you shouldn’t chase happiness, what should you do?
Most psychologists will tell you that the trick to feeling happier is by DOING! Doing more of the activities that make you laugh and bring you joy. Grab a coffee or tea with your friends, check out free events with friends or co-workers, or go for a bike ride with someone you know.
Now, you might say, “But I’m an introvert. I don’t like socializing or being around others,” to which a therapist might say, “NO EXCUSE.” Because, sure, we all enjoy a bit of alone time and peace and quiet — but with the emphasis on a bit.
Many studies have shown that socializing with peers is a surefire way to boost your mood. It even benefits those with high social anxiety or those who are more introverted.
The second technique preached by therapists is to focus on mindfulness practices, such as meditation, breathing techniques, or anything that helps you separate yourself from your thoughts and emotions. This will help you not react to every physical sensation of discomfort you feel inside your body. With practice, mindfulness techniques can help you observe your emotions move in and out like waves crashing against the sand.
This might sound weird and confusing, but it’s a common (and self-defeating) thought pattern. It’s like when we criticize ourselves for not being [fill in the blank] enough. The criticism we direct toward ourselves isn’t magically going to turn into the energy we need to make a change or improve our situation. What we need is self-understanding, not self-hate.
So, remember, when you are feeling unhappy, don’t try to ‘think’ yourself out of the problem. Instead, engage in more of the activities that bring you joy — even if you have to force yourself to do them — and build in some mindfulness exercises to help you put space between your thoughts and your emotions.
About the author:
Mark Travers, Ph.D., is an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder and can be found online at Awake Therapy